This song is helping with my depression.
This song is helping with my depression.
It’s the cold truth.
To simply put it: I sold out.
Big Ernius has sold out, guys.
I would love to sit here on my computer say I was happier when I was poor. I really would; it makes for a better story and character. But truth is, I wasn’t.
After college, I was dirt poor. No (real) follow-up job to my Media B.A. degree from UC Riverside. Nowhere to go but back home.
The stats of kids getting jobs after college this day and age are sad. Just look them up.
Who am I kidding? I know your lazy, so here’s the link –> http://dailycaller.com/2015/05/15/just-14-percent-of-this-years-college-grads-have-real-jobs-waiting/
And I know you’re too lazy to read any of it, so in short and I quote: “A mere 13 percent of graduate degree recipients will be starting real jobs after they receive their diplomas, according to [a] survey.”
That’s 87% of us college grads with no real jobs right out the gate.
Yeah, I struggled with money. Yeah, I got myself into financial debt. Yeah, my jobs weren’t shit.
It’s true. All of it.
The constant worrying if my card was going to say decline, the “Oh, I would really love to have this, but I can’t even remotely afford it”, the bills piling up, the debt collectors calling, the constant borrowing money from my parents, getting turned down by jobs consistently – All of this is true.
You don’t think that has an effect on a person? On a person self-esteem?
I was miserable.
So what does a person do when he or she feels like they hit rock bottom? My answer: Stay there. Don’t even bother. Why get up when you know you’re going to fall down again?
Depressing shit huh?
But that was how I felt sometimes.
In the mist of all this depressing shit however, I still believe in myself. I had to. Only reason why I got up in the morning.
I said screw it, it is what it is.
I started to look at my situation from a different angle: Okay, so I don’t make money, it doesn’t mean I can’t ball out on a budget.
Paid off the toxic bills off first. It sucked, but I managed. (Shout out to my parents for holding me down).
I said “Ern, you broke – so what do you have?” Myself.
I know what I am and what I am not. I knew what I liked. I knew I like movies. I knew I like to write. I knew of youtube, I knew of podcasts, I knew of the free entertainment there was out there. Music. My blog.
So an idea started to form as well: The Durp Show Podcast!
My blog turned into my website.
All at the same time, I did something about my physical health.
I changed. I had to.
Which led to certain things. Mostly notably a job. A full time job.
Now I ain’t even gonna front: My dad hooked me with the job, but I like to tell him, he just opened the door, I’m the one that still had to go through it. I still had to kill that interview.
Which I did.
Then, overnight, I went from living below the poverty line to making 4 times as much as I did before (no, seriously – I did the math).
So when I say I sold out, I mean I sold out on my creative ideas. This site, my podcast, my free time (which led to these ideas).
I sacrificed a lot to ensure I can do well by my current job.
I know people with college degrees, with masters – making a lot less than me.
People, my fellow colleagues, have struggled to find work even after they intern for top spots.
It’s tough out there.
So can you blame me?
Can you blame me for taking a well paying job (with benefits and all that other good stuff) when I know the bleak reality of the real world?
What was I suppose to do? I took the money. I sold out.
That’s the real reason why I haven’t followed up with my blog, why I haven’t done any new podcast episodes, why I don’t stay posting on social media: I’m busy-ish. With my job. And getting paid.
But then I feel guilty.
During all my struggles I remained myself. And in turn, became friends with A LOT of my co-workers. Got invested in their lives. Their struggles.
I feel like I made it out of a war zone, and they haven’t.
For some my friends, they’re still in that constant struggle. At the same time, things keep getting better and better for me.
Life ain’t fair.
It’s this damn dollar bill we all chase, and we all need.
It’s a trip.
Side story: Just came back from Mexico. Cousin came with. Cousin saw the people in his Mom’s (and mine Mom’s as well) hometown and notice something – He said people seem so happy here. He said it’s like people live care-free. Stress free. And they’re poor. Cousin felt like he felt miserable here in the States b/c he had some many money issues. I told him, it might seem that way, but there’s stress here. They make the best out of their lives, but it can be a lot better if they had more money. We have it better over here Stateside. And that’s the truth.
At the end of my rant, I want you to know a few things:
I am very bless and I have a lot to be thankful for.
I am not jealous of anyone else’s success. Some people are more success than me, I understand that.
But don’t try to discredit any my accomplishments, because I have been to the top and bottom. I have failed and won.
I would also LOVE to continue to do The Durp Show Podcast if I had more free time.
For those out there still struggling, grind on.
Fingers cross and hope for the best.
Because life, my friends, ain’t fair.
We don’t want no devil’s in the house tonight.
If I were to die today, tomorrow’s headline would read “27 Year-Old man died while shielding little girl from gunfire while simultaneous fighting off pack wolves during devastating earthquake.”
That’s right, I’m going out in a blaze of glory.
My problem though is the 27 year-old man part of the headline. 27 year old man. Like shit, that makes me sound old. Like really old. Like, oh well, he did live 27 years of life. He’ll be okay.
So I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately…
What makes an adult?
27 years old but I’m immature AF.
When I see an elderly couple hold hands, my first reaction is like “Gaaaayyyy”. True Story.
I’m a giant kid at heart. That’s the one thing that hasn’t change about me. Because I’m loyal to my ideas; my beliefs. The world has yet to change me to my core.
Sure, I do adult things: work full time, go the gym, go on dates, hit up bars, etc… But I’m so much more than your average.
I read comic books (I prefer you call them graphic novels though), I collect watches, I play video games, I keep up with the latest tech news, I like movies, I’m an audiophile and so on.
So what make’s me an adult?
I have theory:
We become an adult when we start dealing with stress. I’ve been very fortunate enough to deal with very little stress growing up.
Never did I have to worry about where I was going to sleep at night, or if I had food for dinner, or if my life was really in danger.
I know life is though, and for some of my peers, they had to deal with real shit early in their lives. Pending pregnancies, family fights, tragic accidents, money issues.
Imagine dealing with that shit in your teen years. There is no choice but to accept life for what it is. That’s the key.
Now, I’ve had my low’s in life. Don’t get it twisted.
Ladies and gentlemen, Big Ern has been broke for a very long time. The financials have played a huge part of me growing up and dealing with it.
Thoughts of suicide have popped off before. Just thoughts though. I think it’s pretty normal. Who hasn’t thought about what would happen if you died right now? How many lives would your death effect?
That shit is scary to me though. I know I’m loved. And I know my passing would effect those who truly care about me, and I just can’t do that to them.
But what are we living for?
Is it that wrong of me to not want to have kids? Why should I conform to the social norms and get married? What if I don’t want to get married?
These are the questions that have been buggy me lately.
Truthfully, I’m happy. I am in a good position.
Yes, it could be better, but I am way better than I was a year ago. I’m very bless. I know this.
Kanye West once tweeted, “There are always going to be struggles no matter what level you are in life” Or something like that. I don’t know, go look up the tweet.
And it’s true.
There is always something that is going to be a struggle for you. But at the end of day, what those struggles do to me, still don’t faded me to my core.
Yes, I can be arrogant, moody, misogynistic, and a bit of an asshole. But I keep myself in check and acknowledged my own faults.
At least I don’t walk around like some of you jackasses and just annoy people by rhetoric. I’m looking at you, Trump.
That’s my life. I’m a self identify man-child with issues and I’m okay with that.
I don’t want to explain my self anymore than that. So just…
Tell my baby I’m back in town! *Young Thug’s Voice*
[Perfect!] *Street fighter voice*
And welcome back to another episode of The Durp Show Podcast.
Let’s just jump right in:
From the title you should know that this is part 2 of the conversation I had with Juan from On the Ave on episode 051 of the Podcast.
We picked up where we last left off, talking music, hip hop, and artists.
I hope you give this a listen and enjoy this episode.
There is a special little announcement at the end of the podcast, by the way.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome.
And my apologizes.
As you may or may not be aware, I have been doing this
blogging thing running a website scheme for a while now. Since 2010.
And frankly, I am growing tired of it.
And I am getting old. 27 years of life man.
For those who know me personally or for those who don’t, know I have settle down (with life, that is).
I went got myself a real job. -____-
Working some long hours (and actually making money). Consequently, my site has been lack-lustered overthe past few weeks, and my podcast game has been hella weak lately (although, I am getting mad recognition for it).
Side note: My younger brother likes to lecture my about life. MY YOUNGER BROTHER. This dude. He tells me what I should do, how I should dress, and how to pick up chicks. I smiled and say, “Oh, really? Cool, good to know. You do you“. His response: I know I am right, and you should take what I say seriously. My response: Do you know why I don’t take you seriously? His response: -____-. My response: Because I was born in the 80’s.
I really am cut from a different cloth.
What’s important to me is not what is important to other people. I get that.
I’ve often played with the idea of getting rid of all my social media accounts for this exact same reason. Why even bother? See me when you see me. I’m that old school.
(Maybe that’s why I have a lot of older friends. Because they get how I can relate to them. They understand that I understand what really matters in this life. And because they know I can smell and fish out all the bullshit that there is out in the universe.)
I don’t know what I’m am saying, I’m rambling.
But getting back to my point.
I’m not OFFICIALLY calling it quits. I’m not.
But I’m preparing to rise to the white flag soon. Just an FYI.
And we’re back with another episode of The Durp Show Podcast!
First off, I’m sorry for the wait. But better late than never. Word to my girl’s period, Ayo!!!!
(Wait, I don’t have a girl -_____-)
This show is brought to you by On The Ave – a street boutique store located in beautiful Salinas, CA (1860 North Main Street). Mention The Durp Show Podcast and you acutally a discount at the counter. No Joke.
And on the week’s episode, we got the owner of On The Ave himself, Juan.
Kick back and listen to Juan and Ern durp it on the following subjects:
– Juan starting a business out here
– Juan’s roots coming from Greenfield
– Street Beats and Mac Dre
– Hip Hop and Rap
– Music stores
– Cassette tapes and the original mixes
– Vinyls and walkmans
– Top 5 Greatest Rappers of All Time
– Overrated Artists
– Underrated Artists
– And so much more…
Part 2 is coming sooner than you think! Tune in for that.
And welcome back to another episode of The Durp Show Podcast.
Well sort of…
This is episode 50 but we’re taking it back. Consider this a special episode to celebrate this milestone of 50 episodes deep.
On this episode, I explain that before all this was a reality, I tired to experiment with this whole notion of a podcast. And hence, this audio…
Fair warming: It’s bad. Really bad. But I hope you guys get a kicked on this mini episode.
Returning back to our normal regular schedule programming next week.