This song is helping with my depression.
This song is helping with my depression.
It’s the cold truth.
To simply put it: I sold out.
Big Ernius has sold out, guys.
I would love to sit here on my computer say I was happier when I was poor. I really would; it makes for a better story and character. But truth is, I wasn’t.
After college, I was dirt poor. No (real) follow-up job to my Media B.A. degree from UC Riverside. Nowhere to go but back home.
The stats of kids getting jobs after college this day and age are sad. Just look them up.
Who am I kidding? I know your lazy, so here’s the link –> http://dailycaller.com/2015/05/15/just-14-percent-of-this-years-college-grads-have-real-jobs-waiting/
And I know you’re too lazy to read any of it, so in short and I quote: “A mere 13 percent of graduate degree recipients will be starting real jobs after they receive their diplomas, according to [a] survey.”
That’s 87% of us college grads with no real jobs right out the gate.
Yeah, I struggled with money. Yeah, I got myself into financial debt. Yeah, my jobs weren’t shit.
It’s true. All of it.
The constant worrying if my card was going to say decline, the “Oh, I would really love to have this, but I can’t even remotely afford it”, the bills piling up, the debt collectors calling, the constant borrowing money from my parents, getting turned down by jobs consistently – All of this is true.
You don’t think that has an effect on a person? On a person self-esteem?
I was miserable.
So what does a person do when he or she feels like they hit rock bottom? My answer: Stay there. Don’t even bother. Why get up when you know you’re going to fall down again?
Depressing shit huh?
But that was how I felt sometimes.
In the mist of all this depressing shit however, I still believe in myself. I had to. Only reason why I got up in the morning.
I said screw it, it is what it is.
I started to look at my situation from a different angle: Okay, so I don’t make money, it doesn’t mean I can’t ball out on a budget.
Paid off the toxic bills off first. It sucked, but I managed. (Shout out to my parents for holding me down).
I said “Ern, you broke – so what do you have?” Myself.
I know what I am and what I am not. I knew what I liked. I knew I like movies. I knew I like to write. I knew of youtube, I knew of podcasts, I knew of the free entertainment there was out there. Music. My blog.
So an idea started to form as well: The Durp Show Podcast!
My blog turned into my website.
All at the same time, I did something about my physical health.
I changed. I had to.
Which led to certain things. Mostly notably a job. A full time job.
Now I ain’t even gonna front: My dad hooked me with the job, but I like to tell him, he just opened the door, I’m the one that still had to go through it. I still had to kill that interview.
Which I did.
Then, overnight, I went from living below the poverty line to making 4 times as much as I did before (no, seriously – I did the math).
So when I say I sold out, I mean I sold out on my creative ideas. This site, my podcast, my free time (which led to these ideas).
I sacrificed a lot to ensure I can do well by my current job.
I know people with college degrees, with masters – making a lot less than me.
People, my fellow colleagues, have struggled to find work even after they intern for top spots.
It’s tough out there.
So can you blame me?
Can you blame me for taking a well paying job (with benefits and all that other good stuff) when I know the bleak reality of the real world?
What was I suppose to do? I took the money. I sold out.
That’s the real reason why I haven’t followed up with my blog, why I haven’t done any new podcast episodes, why I don’t stay posting on social media: I’m busy-ish. With my job. And getting paid.
But then I feel guilty.
During all my struggles I remained myself. And in turn, became friends with A LOT of my co-workers. Got invested in their lives. Their struggles.
I feel like I made it out of a war zone, and they haven’t.
For some my friends, they’re still in that constant struggle. At the same time, things keep getting better and better for me.
Life ain’t fair.
It’s this damn dollar bill we all chase, and we all need.
It’s a trip.
Side story: Just came back from Mexico. Cousin came with. Cousin saw the people in his Mom’s (and mine Mom’s as well) hometown and notice something – He said people seem so happy here. He said it’s like people live care-free. Stress free. And they’re poor. Cousin felt like he felt miserable here in the States b/c he had some many money issues. I told him, it might seem that way, but there’s stress here. They make the best out of their lives, but it can be a lot better if they had more money. We have it better over here Stateside. And that’s the truth.
At the end of my rant, I want you to know a few things:
I am very bless and I have a lot to be thankful for.
I am not jealous of anyone else’s success. Some people are more success than me, I understand that.
But don’t try to discredit any my accomplishments, because I have been to the top and bottom. I have failed and won.
I would also LOVE to continue to do The Durp Show Podcast if I had more free time.
For those out there still struggling, grind on.
Fingers cross and hope for the best.
Because life, my friends, ain’t fair.
We don’t want no devil’s in the house tonight.
If I were to die today, tomorrow’s headline would read “27 Year-Old man died while shielding little girl from gunfire while simultaneous fighting off pack wolves during devastating earthquake.”
That’s right, I’m going out in a blaze of glory.
My problem though is the 27 year-old man part of the headline. 27 year old man. Like shit, that makes me sound old. Like really old. Like, oh well, he did live 27 years of life. He’ll be okay.
So I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately…
What makes an adult?
27 years old but I’m immature AF.
When I see an elderly couple hold hands, my first reaction is like “Gaaaayyyy”. True Story.
I’m a giant kid at heart. That’s the one thing that hasn’t change about me. Because I’m loyal to my ideas; my beliefs. The world has yet to change me to my core.
Sure, I do adult things: work full time, go the gym, go on dates, hit up bars, etc… But I’m so much more than your average.
I read comic books (I prefer you call them graphic novels though), I collect watches, I play video games, I keep up with the latest tech news, I like movies, I’m an audiophile and so on.
So what make’s me an adult?
I have theory:
We become an adult when we start dealing with stress. I’ve been very fortunate enough to deal with very little stress growing up.
Never did I have to worry about where I was going to sleep at night, or if I had food for dinner, or if my life was really in danger.
I know life is though, and for some of my peers, they had to deal with real shit early in their lives. Pending pregnancies, family fights, tragic accidents, money issues.
Imagine dealing with that shit in your teen years. There is no choice but to accept life for what it is. That’s the key.
Now, I’ve had my low’s in life. Don’t get it twisted.
Ladies and gentlemen, Big Ern has been broke for a very long time. The financials have played a huge part of me growing up and dealing with it.
Thoughts of suicide have popped off before. Just thoughts though. I think it’s pretty normal. Who hasn’t thought about what would happen if you died right now? How many lives would your death effect?
That shit is scary to me though. I know I’m loved. And I know my passing would effect those who truly care about me, and I just can’t do that to them.
But what are we living for?
Is it that wrong of me to not want to have kids? Why should I conform to the social norms and get married? What if I don’t want to get married?
These are the questions that have been buggy me lately.
Truthfully, I’m happy. I am in a good position.
Yes, it could be better, but I am way better than I was a year ago. I’m very bless. I know this.
Kanye West once tweeted, “There are always going to be struggles no matter what level you are in life” Or something like that. I don’t know, go look up the tweet.
And it’s true.
There is always something that is going to be a struggle for you. But at the end of day, what those struggles do to me, still don’t faded me to my core.
Yes, I can be arrogant, moody, misogynistic, and a bit of an asshole. But I keep myself in check and acknowledged my own faults.
At least I don’t walk around like some of you jackasses and just annoy people by rhetoric. I’m looking at you, Trump.
That’s my life. I’m a self identify man-child with issues and I’m okay with that.
I don’t want to explain my self anymore than that. So just…
Tell my baby I’m back in town! *Young Thug’s Voice*
[Perfect!] *Street fighter voice*
Another year gone, another year full of great albums. This is just my preferences and albums I like, but I want you to take my word as law. Let’s begin. (BTW, all these albums have download links)
You can’t hate on the guy. He just puts out good music time and time again. Even if he doesn’t write some of these songs himself, Drake is still dope.
An underrated artist, with an underrated album. It’s fantanstic and you can defiantly hear Young D’s improvements on the records he’s making. It’s dope seeing someone you know kill it on the music tip.
He did it again. Logic is often accused of jacking flows, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. It’s not as great as I wanted it to be, but it’s one of the best this year. Check it out.
Not gonna lie, I thought The Game was washed. But then I heard The Documentary 2, and wow – he still has it. It’s hard to compare this to the original classic, but if you take your time and listen to BOTH of discs, you can see why it made it on my list.
The Free Weezy Album didn’t get a lot of hype, but it deserve’s it. I haven’t heard the Carter V, but if it did drop, I hope it was better than this, b/c Weezy F. Baby is on point throughout this whole project.
I want to rant.
Here is what I think about Kendrick Lamar’s latest album To Pimp A Butterfly:
First of all, this album in NOT FOR YOUR CASUAL LISTENER.
With that said, it’s a very artistic piece of work. TPAB is deep and heavy. It has live instruments and jazz backgrounds. It’s not 100% pure hip-hop.
And that’s why I like it.
Some of my friends have called K.Dot’s second album overhyped.
But their not real fans. So I can’t really blame them.
Me? I’ve been listening since 2008. And it all started with one song.
That song was “Wanna Be Heard” of his self titled LP – Kendrick Lamar.
Since then, I’ve been peeping his music. I remember when Kendrick dropped his OD project (Overly Dedicated) back in 2010 and no website (besides itunes) had it available for download!
Then, I actually reached out to @kendricklamarTDE (Yes, that was his old handle) on twitter & he actually replied back!
I knew this guy was going to be big so I favorite’d the tweet just to prove it to ppl in the future. Peep the tweet below!
Needless to say I’m a HUGE fan of the dude. Therefore, of course (!) I’m going to support his music.
In my opinion, Kendrick did this for his die hard fans. He’s testing his audience. He is (like says he is) – a “Black Hippy”.
To Pimp A Butterfly reflects that. It has spoken word poems, but through social/political commentary. It even has an appearance by the legendary Tupac Shakur! It’s all over the place, and yet its a reflection of he’s been going through.
For those who say TPAB suck, you just don’t get the big picture. And that’s okay. We all don’t. But if you keep listening to it, you’ll start to figure out the pieces of this work.
Now, I know lots of ppl do LOVE this album and give it praise for its artistry; but for those who don’t get it, I understand why too.
The new album’s title, “To Pimp a Butterfly,” is, most obviously, a play on the title of “To Kill a Mockingbird.” It also represents a collision of the beautiful and the mercenary. To pimp a butterfly is to offer the innermost self—in the classical tradition, Psyche, the soul, was often pictured as a butterfly—up for sale. It is to extract profit from struggle. Hip-hop has been here many times before, turning and turning on the question of whether riches and fame, dispensed to a lucky few, are fair reparation for the ongoing hardship of millions. “They punish the people that’s asking questions,” Tupac rapped on “Me Against the World.” “And those that possess steal from the ones without possessions.” [Exert from the New Yorker]
But please don’t dismiss TPAB as a FLOP, it’s artwork – therefore subjective, but regardless, it is art.
Boom! Subject ether’d.
I have a real problem with people saying they’re bored these days.
It grinds my gears when I hear or read “Bored as fuck” on social media.
We (most people reading this) live in a world where the internet is at our finger tips. We live in age where you can ask google a simple question like “How old is the universe?” and it will spit back an answer.
It’s literally the age of information.
Just because we have social media, it doesn’t that’s all the internet has to offer. Hell, you can do plenty of activities without the internet.
I’m just saying the internet is a great tool for you not to become a useless tool.
Do you get what I’m saying here?
You can research anything! You can read a book, ride a bike, talk to people, you can do plenty of things to get rid of your boredom.
But I get it, we all get bored sometimes. But usually when I get bored, I will try to think of something to do. Something to keep me busy because that’s how you battle boredom.
So much can be done. Life doesn’t have to be boring. If you have a question, or concern, or a topic you want to know more of, just google it!
Make your own conclusions. Don’t believe everything you read either.
We are all capable of being better. All of us.
I truly believe that.
And that fact that people say they’re still bored when they can do so much for themselves and/or society, that’s my real problem.
Boom. Subject ether’d.
This might be, the most controversial podcast episode to date.
Come and take a listen as I retell the story about the girl I
regularly , once in a while, think about.
Its a story about a guy and girl and their trust, friendship, and, ultimately, failure.
Fair warning: this episode may get pulled down if my agent calls me and tells me the hire-ups aren’t happy with it.
But oh well. Check it out below.