Twitter is not big enough for this rant.
Let me roast/talk my shit/review this
pile of garbage movie.
*This will contain spoilers from the movie, but you shouldn’t care b/c it sucks anyways*
Here are my thoughts:
First of all, let start with the story.
It’s based on a book that is fan fiction from the twilight series. You know, the one with the gilterly vampires & sexy werewolves?? Yeah, that one.
So the story is for shit.
The main chick is cute but not sexy.
The dialogue is laughable.
Example: The dude tells the chick he doesn’t make love, he fucks.
But hen like 15 minutes later he’s doing her missionary position only. Irony?
I yelled out gay like 20 times while watching this movie.
Dude thinks he’s hot so he’s always taking off his shirt, but he ain’t shit. (Similar to that guy from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
No defined six-pack and shit. No dick shot either, just his pubes *Pause*.
Guy says he’s not into romance, and does all this romance stuff and buying her shit.
The movie is way too long. 2 hours of this shit.
Developed a relationship waaaayyyy too quick. 30 minutes into the movie, they’re all ready banging.
I seen better love stories in porn videos out there.
Shout outs to cliphunter.com
Some poor Latino dude named Jose gets major friend-zoned.
Aye real talk, I would have sucka punched that Christian Grey foo for cock blocking me outside the club if I was Jose.
But I digress.
Dude is so fucking bossy.
I’m a jealous kinda guy myself, but even I got a little bit of chill.
She drunks dials him when she at the club, and he freaks the fuck out.
All he cares about his getting off.
Tires to get her to sign a contract so he can hit her sexually.
That playroom is boring. No ps4 in there.
Oh, and just the beginning part, where they first meet – she rushes outside the building to breath b/c he was that hot? Yeah, right.
If there was a guy out there like this dude, young, rich and good looking, he would def have some side chicks ready to go at his call.
Hell, if this dude was really about that life – he would hire prostitutes ALL DAY nigga *Kanye West voice.
Man, I was low-key looking forward to this movie but this was just a waste of my time.
Oh, and the ending?
She like’s “show me” (to the dude). And clearly tells her, he doesn’t want to hurt her so she knows the safe-words. So she then she gets that ass whipped, but then gets all offended afterwards? The fuck lady?
And that’s how it ends.
I have never given a movie the following low score.
Fifty Shades of Grey is fifty shades of wackness. I really hope girls and boys don’t think this is real life. 1 out of 10…. Would not bang. Or whip.
Welp, time to watch Nymphomaniac vol. 1 & 2.
Boom. Subject ether’d.
*Oh, and if you click on the movie poster, you can stream the movie for free 99.*
**But let just recommend a waaaaayyyyyy better sex movie, (& no, it’s not Secretary – Maggie Gyllenhaal is not my type at all) Shame (2011) starting a sex-craze Michael Fassbender – now that movie is dope!**