#Thiscantbelife

This might be the realist blog post ever.

Let’s just jump in.

Its been 6 months since I’ve graduated college. I am 23 years old now, and I’m unhappy with life.

Now, this statement might make you think “Well maybe he’s going through some shit”, well, I’m not really.

But, I kinda am.

I just have to write my thoughts down and reflect. So if this blog post doesn’t make sense to you, it okay; it makes sense to me.

Now don’t get it twisted, this blog post is different from my infamous “Fuck The System” rant, in which I WAS going through some stuff. I was angry. I was angry at the world. And I was also upset over a girl. I hated my life. I was miserable. But that was back then. That was the summer of 2010.

Its now 2012, a different year, a different place, but yet I still feel like I’m slowly going back to that negative space again. And I don’t want to back. I don’t want to be that asshole that I was back then.

Its kinda hard to explain; I’m not exactly sad nor upset. I’m just confused.

Thoughts about relationships, women, sex, lust, money, school, work and future plans have all been accumulating in my mind for the past few weeks.

And I can’t even say I’m complaining about this. About my life. It ain’t like things are going bad for me. I’m holding down two jobs, making more money than the average, living rent free at my parents house, no kids, no major health problems, nothing that really holds me back.

Yet, I log onto facebook, and see all my colleagues and friends living life. Some of them are doing great things (graduating from grad school soon), while others are living pretty crappy lives (where their only highlight of the day is taking pictures of the food they’re eating).

And I don’t know where I fall on the list. Am I really doing great things, or is the highlight of my day lunch?

And then I get mad, when I see all thirst going on – all these random ass guys and girls, all up on social networks trying to “get with each other” and they’re to be witty. With their happy faces and winky faces and inside jokes. Like that shit is stupid to me. I don’t play those games. I’m not like that all. But it seems like in order to function “normally” or to appear social in this modern age, one has to partake in these stupid little things.

And then there’s this girl at work. And she likes me. And she wants to be with me. But we’re not together. And I don’t know where we stand, but I do, its a lot more complicating than your average hook-up.

Its not like I’ve never been in a relationship before. What’s up Amanda?

But its seems like my past (what I’ve experience before) is creeping up on my present state.

And just makes me think.

I’m still upset over this other previous girl. She added me on facebook a few months ago. I don’t know why and I don’t know how she found me (my profile is more secure/secretive than the pentagon), but shit, I would at least think that she would want to start a conversation again. But no, its not like that. She hasn’t said shit to me. Not even on my birthday! And all I want to ask her is “Then WHY ADD ME on facebook in the first place? What? Did you want to say hi to me or something? Do you think I don’t know that you were ‘jocking me’ back in the day?! Was it because you still had a BF back then? Is it because you don’t want your new BF to find out about our shared past? Or is the reason why you don’t reach out to me because you hung out with me and I know more shit about you than these other guys who are “hollering at you” through FB now? Did you just want to spy on me through facebook? Did you just want to see what I was doing with my life, like on the low? Or what?! What’s the deal?!” You know, I still got the text messages you sent me (gotta love the iphone), and if I wanted to (screen shoots), I can expose you. I can create some drama. I can bring some attention into our situation. But you’re lucky, because at the end of the day, you’re not worth it anymore. Its just upsetting to me – that’s all. At the very least, I would image you would have liked to be friends and nothing more. And all I can do now is call you out by name, but I can’t. There’s some thing inside me that still has some little respect for you (I guess that’s the gentlemen in me). And whether you end up reading this, I don’t care. Because this is truly how I feel.

All this thinking makes wanna smoke and drink. Real Talk. And gamble. And hit the occasional strip club. And retreat from the public eye. And keep quite. And I tell myself, this can’t be life. But it is.

This is my life.

I don’t know, I needed to vent this out some way. I needed to this express how I’m feeling inside. Maybe its stupid of me to post this up on the world wide web, but maybe it isn’t.

I don’t know. I just felt like it needed to be said, if not, written.

I guess now, all I have to do, is take it day by day and see what comes up.

-ezb14 outz.

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